Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready