We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Go hard or stay average
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..