If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.