if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
This dude got his own movie?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.