I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Florida be like…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.