All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.