Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
jesus, what did this guy do
I think about this a lot
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.