Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
constantly working on myself.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Hell yeah 👍
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.