When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The morning after pill, but for tweets
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers