Funny Tweeter

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Page of TomTheWicked's best tweets

@TomTheWicked : Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?"
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

@TomTheWicked: *puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*

*tweets*

*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

@TomTheWicked: Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.

@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch?
Me: Food.
B: What kind of food?
M: The kind you eat.
B: ...
M: ...
B: ...
Me: You hired me. This is your fault.

@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.

@TomTheWicked: Don't blame me. You're the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.