Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.