A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You Might Also Like
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
This came to me in a dream.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts