old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps