[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.