[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”