[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”