[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
This hospital has everything
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*