The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.