#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
This guy’s not having it 😆
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Expect the unexporcupine.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”