This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me