[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.