I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore