I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.