21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.