Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me