“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.