Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.