you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
You Might Also Like
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever