Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.