I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me