Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no