Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
No, YOUR illiterate.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)