When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.