Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Smile they said.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.