and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried


frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy


by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood


People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.