mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
FRED: right
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.