If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat