Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You Might Also Like
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”