Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
But is it really??
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.