If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
the composer
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.