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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Finally!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Whisper out to librarians!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Stop it! 😂
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live