zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor