the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds


Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview


boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly


neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert


accusations harmful


Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago


God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife


God: starrrrrting now


detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em


[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear


me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage