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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok