*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!