What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.