My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
You Might Also Like
it be like that
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”