someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.