You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.