@TwoSapphiresBlu

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.