Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.