@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.

@Twtercide

Him: Wtf is wrong with you?

*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos

Me: I’m just really tired.

@Twtercide

Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain

@Twtercide

I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.

@Twtercide

911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?

Me:….

911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.

@Twtercide

Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall

@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….